Below are my raw, unedited feelings of the past couple days. It really helped me to write them out. I originally just planned on printing it out and putting it in my journal for only myself to see, but after sharing it with Brad and talking to him, we thought "What's the point in going through this if we keep it completely to ourselves?" We want to be able to look back on these raw emotions someday and praise God for bringing us through this, as we know He will. And it's easier to share with you guys how we're genuinely doing in one fell swoop instead of in short texts and multiple phone calls.
April 20, 2013
I started out the day 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant, and am
going to bed tonight with an empty womb.
And an empty heart. Instead of
joining West and us here in November, our littlest has joined its other big
brother or sister with Jesus. I can’t
imagine a sweeter face to first see than God’s, but I’ll admit I’m jealous. I’m also shocked.
Aching. Heartbroken. I’m clinging to God’s goodness and promises
and certain that He’s aching with us and yearning to comfort us.
Yesterday we had a routine prenatal appointment. The nurse couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat
using the Doppler, so another nurse tried, and then the doctor – all with no
luck. We didn’t worry because we knew it
was a bit early and the same thing happened with us at this same appointment when
pregnant with West. Though they all
reassured us that it is probably just that it’s too early to hear the heartbeat
with the Doppler, they got us in as quick as they could to have an
ultrasound. While waiting, I wasn’t
anxious in the slightest. In fact, I was
actually a bit happy they couldn’t find the heartbeat because we’d get to see
our little gummy bear baby jumping around on the screen – just like we did with
West. At our prenatal appointment just 4
weeks earlier, we had seen our baby with a strong heartbeat and perfect
measurements. At that point our risk of
miscarriage dropped dramatically, plus I had no cramping or spotting and all my
symptoms (besides nausea, which went away at 9 weeks) were still strong. Everything
had to be fine, right? Surely we wouldn’t
suffer two miscarriages in a row, right?
Surely not – everything is fine.
But as soon as the ultrasound technician started the
ultrasound, our hearts dropped. Where we
were so confidently expecting to see our big, dancing gummy bear was a small,
still baby with no flickering of a little heart. Oh how my heart stared at that screen and
begged that sweet baby to move. To
dance. To be alive. I cried out in shock and disbelief as Brad
grabbed my hand and the technician started apologizing. Tears flowed.
Our baby was gone and had stopped growing at 9 weeks and 1 day (the same
day in our last pregnancy that we found out we had lost that baby). She showed us how there should be color on
the screen where the umbilical cord was giving nutrients to the baby, and how
big the baby would be if it was measuring as it should, and then she zoomed in
and showed us where the heart should be, but wasn’t, flickering. She did these things not to torture us, but
so we would know beyond a shadow of a doubt that our baby was no longer here
with us.
I got cleaned up in the bathroom and sobbed. Then came out and hugged Brad and cried. The technician took us back to a room to
visit with the doctor and there, before the doctor came in, we held each other
and sobbed. How could this be happening? Again? This time everything looked perfect! Why, Lord, why?
The doctor came in and we discussed our options. First, what is going on here? Should we start doing testing? We decided against it at this point. Praise God we have carried one healthy baby
to term, we’re still young, and we’ve gotten pregnant very easily three times
now. We discussed that if, God forbid,
we would lose a third baby, we’d do testing at that point. We will, however, start monitoring certain things more closely and more often when, Lord willing, we get pregnant again. Then we discussed what we need to do now. Wait for my body to naturally miscarry the
baby or have a D&C? After going
through a natural miscarriage a few short months ago, I knew how painful and
traumatic it was both emotionally and physically. And that was when my body was prepared to do
it. This time, we couldn’t bear the
thought of waiting for my body to be ready and then going through that
again. We decided it would be best for
us, in this case, to have the D&C as soon as possible so we could start the
grieving and healing process.
With the only surgery I’ve ever had being wisdom teeth
extraction, I was nervous about the procedure on top of grieving and coming to
terms with our loss. I was supposed to
shower last night and this morning with anti-bacterial soap and use or wear no
lotions, jewelry, etc. I couldn’t eat or
drink a single thing after midnight. I
would have to have an IV, be put completely under anesthesia, be intubated, and
potentially risk damage to my uterus, complicating any future pregnancies. Plus I have studied in undergrad and grad
classes the absurd amount of deadly hospital-acquired infections and have
witnessed first-hand my dad almost lose his leg due to an infection from a “routine”
procedure. So needless to say, I had
quite a bit of anxiety. But God, Brad, some
great hospital staff, and prayers of many lifting us up got us through, and the
D&C appeared to have gone as well as possible this morning. West spent the day having the time of his
life with his aunt, uncle, and 4 boy cousins, leaving Brad to focus on caring
for me post-op. That was such a blessing,
especially since the anesthesia hit me hard and I wasn’t really able to eat or
hardly get up at all until this evening.
I’ve spent a lot of time yesterday and today praying and
pouring over scripture. While this
miscarriage completely blind-sided us, we know that God foresaw it at the beginning
of time and is hurting with us and longing to hold us close. We trust in God’s promises – that He did not
cause this, that He has never left our side, that He will use this to
strengthen and mature our faith, that our babies are in a place with their
Heavenly Father where there is no more death or dying or crying or pain, and
that we will see them there someday and will love on them and hold them for
eternity.
But our hearts still ache so much that it’s hard to breathe,
and if this experience will be anything like our last, I’m afraid it will get
harder before it gets easier. As easy as
it is to trust God at the beginning, it’s hard to do on a daily – or harder
yet, moment-by-moment – basis. But we
know that if we want to grow from this, we have to push through, clinging to
Him throughout until we emerge on the other side. Time will also help. The pain will always be there I’m sure, but it
is not pain without a purpose or without a promise on the other end.
As much as we want a baby brother or sister close in age to
West, we plan to take longer this time to grieve and heal – emotionally and physically. After being pregnant for almost five of the
last six months, we need a break. We
trust that in His perfect timing we will become a family of four, and that when
that next baby is finally in our arms we won’t be able to imagine it any other
way.
Until we meet in
heaven, sweet babies, save us a seat at Jesus’ feet as He rocks you in His
arms. We can’t wait to meet you there.
"I
will never forget this time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies
never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, “'The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!'”
– Lamentations 3:19-24 (NLT)
“Though you have made
me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths
of the earth you will bring me up… and comfort me once again… I will always
have hope; I will praise you more and more.
My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day
long, though I know not its measure.” – Psalm 71:20-21, 14-15 (NIV)
We covet and thank you for your prayers and support as we go through this. We know we're not alone and are so thankful for such awesome family and friends. Love you all.
